Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…