Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.