Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
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Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.