Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
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[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
