“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.