“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
The little toadstool has spoken.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles