Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.