“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
You Might Also Like
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
This could’ve been an email.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep