Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

Family Celebrity

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*