Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

By Kate Hatos

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”