Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches