Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.