Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.