Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
That’s incredible! 👌
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.