Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.