Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist