Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
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Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
hello pervert is such a strong opener
