Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”