Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
decorating my apartment
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?