Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.