Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.