Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

stand with me against insufficient seating

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.