Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
You Might Also Like
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”