Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.