Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
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The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.