Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.