“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Ah..makes sense now
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Natural selection at its finest
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.