Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
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there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless