Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Pretty much. 🤣

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.