Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Usage Guidelines

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

These are so Plastic Man-core

🍂🕷️🍂

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”