Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.