imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
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*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
my proudest tweet
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger