Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
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Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Already got one
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?