Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
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*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg