excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
✨☝️✨
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO