Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less