excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
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[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
The French cow says MEUX…
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
#Caturday
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you