Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Seems legit.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds