Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

Gross if literal…Liverpool

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.