Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
#NeverForget
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho