excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
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I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“What?”
– Jude
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
you will never know the true number of layers
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS