excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
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I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.