“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
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Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour