excuse me
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Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
“OMGJK” -atheists
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole