Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

.. do you even science?