Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop