“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
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Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
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It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time