excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
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Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.