excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
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My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Florida man
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster