Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.