Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Software Development ⛵️

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

choose your fighter

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.