People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
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“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.