exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Ferrari squats
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I didn’t come here to be called names
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
