exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
