exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
