exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
