exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
