exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
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“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
any last words?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.