exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
my mom making me talk to relatives
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
