I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
When someone trying to leave me
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs