@DelilahSDawson

exec: So what do we think women want in fashion?
women: Pocke–
exec: Cold shoulder tops in pastels. Got it.
women: Pock–
exec: Clothes with pre-made holes in delicate fabrics.
women: Po–
exec: Cut-outs in flabby areas. Good.
women: POCKET–
exec: Shapes that require new bras!

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@bornmiserable

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

@Tmoney68

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

@jocylan

If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder

@TheCatWhisprer

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

@jonnysun

spider-man, spidre-man,.
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
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@rolldiggity

“What should we name this fruit?”
“Passion!”
“…”
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“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”

@Amusitr0n

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

@JermHimselfish

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.