Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

No laws when master is gone

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states