Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

this makes me so uncomfortable

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

A classic…

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.