Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

What.

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Goodnight 🐶

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.