Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work