Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

why neck hurt

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.