Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

Oops 🤭

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.