Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

We’ve all been there

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.