@abbycohenwl

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

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@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

@notalogin

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

@xLiserx

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

@GingerHotDish

Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.

@ohen39

friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes

@noog

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

@NintenDom

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

@GrillinChillin9

You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.

@butterwolf

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

@kind_ofa_bitch

So apparently ‘Sexual Prime’ isn’t one of the Autobots.
I know this now.