Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
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The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
#CoronaOutbreak
FINE, I WON’T.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream