My week is basically:
Executioner: Any last words?
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
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Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
‘Kyrgyzstan’ is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Walking around the kitchen like Pac-Man when you’re hungry.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.