Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean

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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.


What kind of doctor are you?
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.


Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*


Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.


friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes


I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.


My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.


You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.


Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.


So apparently ‘Sexual Prime’ isn’t one of the Autobots.
I know this now.