@abbycohenwl

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

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@Browtweaten

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

@seamussaid

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

@singwithTaffy

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

@ClassicMegan

Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

@gingerfaced

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

@mommajessiec

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

@Petote

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?