God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Executioner: Any last words?
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
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whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?