Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

October already? What’s next? November????

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

It has been 3 years since Monday.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?