Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.