Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something