Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

My god she’s good.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*